11 August 2012

a saddened heart

This is not a post I wanted to write.
Yesterday I should have been on a plane cross country to meet my baby.
Instead, around dawn, we got a call that our birthmother had changed her mind.
She'd gone into labor, texted our caseworker to tell her she wasn't going through with the adoption.
Instead of the conference call we were expecting to have with her,
we sat on our front porch, a little tearful and a little stunned.

I spent all of yesterday in a daze.
Though I knew this was a real possibility, it didn't make my heart ache less.
My hope and excitement and anticipation turned to sadness.
Having your adoption fall through sucks.
I can't really flower it up or search for just the right eloquent words to convey how it feels.

Even in my sorrow over the loss of this baby, I do know that God's got us.
I know that with suffering comes joy, and that even when things suck,
He's there.
 Probably even more so.
I am thankful that it happened before I met her,
before I flew far from my boys to bring her home.
Before she became "mine". 
I am grateful that I am walking through this with Nick,
that his sorrow is as deep as mine, and that we can both lean into Christ.

I have hope for the future, what our family will be.
I am excited to look back on this and see a bigger purpose.
I am praying for that baby and that this is the best thing for her.
I am praying for her mother and her heart and all the heaviness that this is for her.

It isn't easy, and that's okay.
It's okay to grieve this loss, to have an achy heart,
to feel bummed and think it sucks.
Because right now, it does.
But tomorrow is a new day
and His mercies are new every morning.
I'm thankful for that.


40 comments:

  1. Oh, Carina my heart is aching for you & your family. That has just got to be so tough. I'm thinking about you & saying a little prayer for you and for the birth mother.

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  2. Oh sweet friend, I am so sad for your sorrow. This is so difficult to understand. God is no less good than He was yesterday, so thankful for that. Praying diligently.

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  3. Thinking of you all. I know good things are ahead, but now is the time to just feel, well, everything you need to. Love to you all.

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  4. I've been looking through your blog and I think it's an absolutely lovely thing that you wanted to do, to adopt another child. God works in mysterious ways. You are allowed to be sad but, as you know, you will get through it and I'm sure wonderful things will be headed your way--I can just feel it. Stay strong!

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  5. oh man. you're right. it SUCKS. I'm so so so sorry to hear this. :( praying for you guys!

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  6. Oh wow...I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling. While it's hard to see the bigger plan in this, God has q child waiting for you who desperately needs someone to love them. Praise God that this little girl's mother decided she could give her a home & love & hopefully she can fulfill this little girl's needs. One day you will have your child & thank God that he chose to make you wait. For now, don't feel ashamed to grieve...it just shows that your heart has already been preparing you to love this child as your own. Praying for you, xx

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  7. oh i am so sorry for your sadness. you're right, this sucks. just think though....some woman found the strength to keep her baby. it's certainly heartbreaking for your family, but god has a plan for the baby coming to your home. this just wasn't it. i'll be praying for you.

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  8. Oh Carina, I am so sorry to hear this sad news. Sending hugs and prayers your way, and praying for the baby. The Lord is in control and will help and guide you through this. Take care and many blessings to you and your family.

    xo Heather

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  9. Ohhh honey, my heart is aching for you all.

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  10. SO SO SO sorry. Will be sending you, birth-mom, and baby prayers. God is in this!

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  11. it is so hard to depend on Him when you don't understand why. "we don't know what to do, but our eyes are fixed on you" 2 Chron 22... is my prayer for you. keep holding on to the Lord! take care.

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  12. Carina, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how heartbroken and disappointed your family must feel. I'll be praying for God to comfort you, and that you will have hope in what He has for your family, and for this little girl.

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  13. Wow. My heart is saddened with you. I know that time will heal your sad little heart but maybe a close experience can help - we had friends whom went through a similar situation and were very heart broke when this happened to them...but in the end it actually turned out for the better due to family history of the one they'd be adopting. Although they would be adopting and the boy would have been theirs, the family would have been very hard to deal with and it would have been a lifetime of heaviness to deal with. The Lord knew that and put a stop to it before everything went through. And it sounds to me like this girl was already on the fence about it if she changed her mind before having the baby. And maybe it's nothing you can see with your little eyes here on earth that could've possibly been hard to deal with, but know that God is all knowing and he watches out for His children. I'm so sorry you had to go through that but remember to praise God through the storm and not to let the enemy keep you down. Like you said, you have Nick to go through this with you and that will make y'all stronger. Best wishes :) and I will say a prayer of comfort for you tonight.

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  14. My heart is breaking for you friend. I can't even begin to imagine the disappointment. :( You are right though. God's mercies are new every morning. Praying for you. ((hugs))

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  15. This is a situation that only prayers and God can heal. It saddens me that I know so many people who have gone through this. It's devastating. We'll keep praying.

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  16. Oh, my heart goes out to you. It's so hard sometimes when God doesn't let us in on His plans for us, isn't it? Praying for strength and comfort for you and your family.

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  17. I am so incredibly sorry for the pain this is putting you and your family through.

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  18. I am so sorry to hear the news. I'm praying for you and your whole family. God has this as He always does. Thinking of you...Sandi

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  19. Friend, I am lifting your broken heart up in prayer! My heart aches for you and your husband.

    HE is holding you in the palm of His hand right now.

    So sorry!
    xo

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  20. So sorry Carina. Truly sorry. But you know it: don't lose hope.

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  21. My heart is aching for you sweet Carina. I'm so sorry.

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  22. You're in my thoughts and prayers today and in the days to come.

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  23. I'm so so sorry to hear your news. I know there are no words that can console and I pray Christ's peace and comfort hold you close.

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  24. I am so sorry to hear that you're having to walk this road of loss. We had a failed adoption 2 months ago and it felt like a punch in the stomach. It doesn't help that they say it's a possibility because you can't ever prepare yourself for how that phone call feels. You go out on a limb with hope and expectation because what else are you supposed to do? You have to give your heart every time...that's the risk that comes with this crazy adoption journey. And you'll feel like there's no way you could do it all over again, take that risk again, or have the courage to trust another birth mom....but God will lift you up and carry you through that and he himself will be your courage and your strength and in him you can face whatever comes next. Grieve this baby in the unique ways that you guys need to because it is a real loss, even though it looks so so different than when most people lose a baby. Walk by faith and not by sight....because all your eyes will tell you is defeat and discouragement and dead end and give up and you weren't good enough and all those lies that Satan wants your heart to believe. Grace upon grace upon grace to you sister!

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  25. Carina, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know you're right though, that God's hand is all over your situation. Praying for you and your family as you hurt and grieve, as well as explain this to your boys. Praying also for that little girl.

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  26. oh carina, i am so sorry. you and your family are in my prayers.

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  27. Lots of prayers going your way :(

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  28. my heart is heavy carina.
    i know the Lord has a beautiful plan for your family, and that baby, and THE baby that will end up in your home.
    i will pray for that sweet little one wherever he or she is, and i know he or she will always reside in a little piece of your heart. :)

    lots of love.

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  29. So sorry to hear this. Praying for you!

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  30. This is my first visit to your blog, but I just wanted to say that I am so very sorry to read this. I can't imagine how hard this must be, but it's so wonderful to know that God has a plan for you and your family. Stay strong in Him.

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  31. ((hugs)) I am so very sorry for this news. I can't tell you I know how it feels but as an adopting mom I can only imagine the love and time and energy you'd already spent into the new little one.

    Prayers for your family.

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  32. I'm so sorry that she changed her mind. :(
    On the plus side, there are babies being born and put up for adoption all the time, so I know you'll have another shot at it again soon.

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  33. This totally *sucks* for you! i'm SO sorry! Even in the midst of this pain ~
    I must say that i'm *thrilled* that the birth mom has changed her heart toward her precious little one!!
    The Father is GOOD! I pray He guides your steps, and holds you close during this time.
    {{HUGS}}

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  34. So sorry to hear this! Praying for you and your family as well as the mother and baby. *hugs*

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  35. WOW! So stunned by this post. So terribly sorry for this news. I'll be praying for the baby and the birth mom as well as your family. Bless you as you move forward!

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  36. Wow. What a beautiful & strong heart you have. Can't wait to see how He fulfills the desires of your heart. Praying for your entire family today! <3

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  37. ((hugs)) and prayers for you during this time!!

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  38. I'm so sorry. Failed expectations - especially big, beautiful ones like this - are awful. I'm glad you have each other to lean on while you heal. Hugs to you.

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