08 July 2012

three years

it's been three years since
that cross country flight
the eager anticipation of sitting in a hospital waiting room
first holding his warm, sleepy body cradled in my arms
lowering him down for the first kiss from his big brother
breathing in his baby scent
being awed at this amazing gift
being humbled by the selfless love of his birthmother
watching him sleep snuggled up in a hotel bed at my side
soaking in the quiet weight of a sleeping baby on my chest.

it's been three years.
three years of joy and love and laughter and utter delight in my boy.
there have been hard moments, humbling moments, 
moments where i am totally convinced i have no idea what i am doing.
but mostly, there is an overwhelming lump in my chest at the undeserved gift of this child.

as i reflected over the last three years of being eddie's mama,
i was brought to tears. of course, because motherhood has made me a weepy mess.
i am taken aback at the preciousness of him in our lives.
having had the privilege of mothering biological and adopted children,
i can say with my whole heart - my whole being - that my love for him
is just as deep and wide and vast as for the others.
let's be honest, sometimes people wonder if it will be the same.
as a mother of three, i will tell you that my love for each of them is so different.
not because of dna, but because they are each unique.
my love for eddie is different than my love for george, and my love for george is different than my love for lute.

but oh my love for eddie.
my heart is so completely entwined with his that i can't imagine for one single moment
not having him in my heart, in my arms, in my every day.
my sweet, wild, fearless, affectionate, tender eddie.
you have my heart so totally and completely, 
my only fear is that you will never be able to fully grasp how gripped i am by my love for you.

God changed us forever when He put you in our lives.
He made it better.
happy birthday, sweet boy. 


20 comments:

  1. Oh great! You're not the only mama who's a weepy mess, you know... This made me all teary. Such a sweet post :)

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  2. Happy happy mr Eddie! Missing you... Auntie T

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  3. Precious, Carina. I hope you're printing out the posts you write to the boys and saving them to give to each of them. :)

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  4. I love this so much. And I love your family so much! I hope MANY undecided adoptive parents will read this. :-) Love you!!!

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    1. thanks, patty!! that'd be awesome. you're family is pretty amazing too, lady!

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  5. Carina this was an incredibly beautiful and inspiring post. Thank you so much!

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  6. soooo sweet. I look forward to a future family of biological and adopted kiddos!

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  7. Such a sweet post, you have me totally tearing up over here! I'm not in the family planning stage of my life yet, but I never really imagined that adoption would be a part of that until I started reading your blog, but now it's such a huge consideration for me. Thank you for sharing your life and your love with all of us! Happy birthday, Eddie!!

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    1. that is probably the best thing you could tell me, seriously. my hope is that in writing and sharing about the true joy we've experienced will touch others and at least get them thinking about adoption. it is an amazing blessing!
      you're such a sweet friend and support, danielle!

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  8. This is just too sweet. Happy Birthday to your little man!

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  9. happy birthday eddie! and carina- YOU make me a weepy mess with these posts.

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  10. I teared up a little reading this, what a sweet, sweet post! I've been following your blog for a little while and really enjoy reading about your adventures with three small boys. Thanks for sharing.

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  11. Happy birthday sweet boy! You have the bestest mama!!! She is so lucky to have YOU, Eddie. You are a precious gift to your family!!

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  12. i am not exactly sure how i found you, but i did.. oh wait, through ticoandtina. (haha just remembered)...
    anyways. glad i did love your writing. your pictures and your style, girl. you've got it going on... =)

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  13. so beautiful. my husband and i really want to adopt and can't wait to start the process, but if i was being completely honest there is a little part of me that is scared for how i'll attach to an adopted little one. i have faith though that God will take care of my love for whatever child he brings into our lives. but i love reading about the love you have for him.

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    1. honestly, it wasn't instant - it was more of a slow build. and now i just don't know how i could love him more. :) i hope it works for you in the future!

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  14. you know how i feel about this. best gift ever.
    beautiful. and what a handsome guy!

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