09 October 2011

he's mine

When we brought Eddie home, I wasn't sure what it would be like. I loved him, that was sure, but I questioned if our bond would be like the one I had with Lute. I thought about him as our "adopted son" every single day. Many times. Add into that the fact that I was half way through my pregnancy with George, and I was not only thinking about my connection with him, but with the other baby soon joining us. 
In the four and a half months between Eddie and George's birth, I poured myself into him. And then when George came, Nick took over almost entirely. He was Nick's boy and their bond grew quickly and deeply as I adjusted to becoming a mother of three, trying to find a balance between all my boys, while mostly being pulled to the newborn that depended on me for his every need. I loved Eddie, snuggled him and fed him, but I still thought of him as the adopted boy. I thought of his birthmother all the time and wondered what how often she thought of us. Of her son.


When Eddie and George became mobile, that's when things got hard. Here I was with two toddler boys and a preschooler and I was always tired, exasperated, unsure of how to handle them, keep them safe... I was overwhelmed. I couldn't imagine my life without any of my boys, but I also wondered if we were a little crazy with our spacing. I was wondering less frequently about his birthmother, started to fall into a more natural routine, and my bond with Eddie came together in invisible ways that cemented us together. 
Eddie was always Dada's boy. He followed Nick everywhere, did everything with him, and I knew it was because of their early bond. But then something shifted. It only happened a few months ago, but Eddie suddenly was a mama's boy through and through. Where I was, he wanted to be. When he woke up in the morning, he wasn't satisfied to have his milk with his daddy and go back to bed... he had to have a snuggle with Mama first. He wants to know where I am at all times, is content to play near me while I make dinner, and doesn't want me to leave him anywhere. It is mostly heart burstingly lovely and just occasionally a little inconvenient. 
When I hold him, read to him, put him to bed, get him ready for the day, help him with his food, push him on his bike, brush his teeth, tie his shoes, correct him, protect him, console him, laugh with him, dance with him, hold his hand... he is mine. Completely and totally and in a way that makes my heart explode with love and gratitude for the crazy gift he is to me. To us. To our family. I don't think "adopted" anymore. I mean, he is, obviously, but his heart is fused with mine now and forever. I hope it is always the same for him. 


Is my bond with him the same as mine with Lute? No. And my bond with George isn't either. My boys are vastly different. Each holds my heart in a different way, but completely and fully. I don't think it has anything to do with being biological or adopted, but it's just the way it is when you have more than one kid. You love them all differently but equally.
Words can't express it. But I know that God designed our family the way that it is... and as I allow Him, he keeps giving my heart a greater capacity for love... for tenderness and joy and...cuteness. I am so grateful that this is my life.

15 comments:

  1. Thank you for this honest glimpse into your bonding journey. As someone considering adoption, I find it comforting to know that it will be different and yet the same in that they'll each have their own unique hold on my heart.

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  2. That was lovely. Adopted or biological, what makes a family is the love it shares, and your family has it in abundance. Thank you for sharing!

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  3. Carina, I always kind of had a heart for adoption, but it didn't ever come about. I knew, though, without a doubt that I could love adopted kids AS MY OWN. I always felt that. When I would see a child in a bad circumstance, my heart would tug and I would wish to be able to give that child a better life. I have no doubt it is just the same strength of love for any of our children. Yes, the relationships are different, but the love is not. GREAT post! I loved it.

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  4. This was beautiful. Truly. I love your honest and raw look into what life is really like with both biological and adopted kids. And bottom line - they're all your kids.

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  5. What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing.

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  6. This is a beautiful post! I love how the Lord brought a closeness between the two of you. Situations like this, that are out of our hands, make me marvel at His goodness and grace in our lives. Thanks for sharing.

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  7. yes! YES! he has designed your family exactly the way it is. lovely and right. {he's also designed our hearts to burst and grow with each new addition!}
    praise jesus!

    i just love you, carina! xo

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  8. This is SO SO sweet!!! I LOVE hearing your heart!!

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  9. SO sweet and so true..we love our kids differently but they all hold our heart just the same. :)

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  10. I just found your blog and am in Love! Although I am not a mother yet, it is beautiful to see your honesty and rawness. Each child will always hold a very unique and special place in our hearts. I have a friend that is in the middle of the adoption process and just found out she is pregnant, and these similar things are what I pray for her constantly.

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  11. This is a gorgeous post, so full of love and honesty. I know this must have been tough for you to write... it's a touchy subject. You did a great job explaining your situation and thoughts. How wonderful that God has blessed you with such a sweet bond with each of your children.

    Your story resonated with me a little bit because I had PPD with my first daughter, so my bond with her took a little longer. For a long time I felt so much guilt over this, especially when the next two kids came along and I bonded with them right away. But I now see, as you said, that God has created such an amazing bond with me and each of my kids, and each bond is special.

    Thanks for sharing this post!

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  12. thanks to all of you for your sweet comments. God really has blessed us so much. thank you for sharing your stories, too - they are a gift and an encouragement to me.

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  13. I never understood the different bonds with different kids until I received my second son that we will adopt next month! They are both so amazing in different ways. Thanks for sharing!

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  14. Oh, my goodness. This is so lovely! I often think about adopting and then wonder if it would turn out ok. These stories are so wonderful to hear.

    PS -Thank you for your sweet comment, and for visiting!

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  15. I just love your family's story. So beautiful! So true what you said about loving them all equally but differenty. Thanks for linking up.
    xoxo

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